So, here I am, completely unable to sleep due to, I'm assuming, some new medication that I'm taking for my sinus headaches [it contains caffine, apparently]. I read this book that made me realize how important motivation is. The book isn't like a fantastic novel or anything, in fact, I found a few grammatical errors while reading it! But the moral is the same, whether its a pre-teen book or a classic. But, for so long I've been saying "I want to do..." and then the list goes on. Lose weight, stop procrastinating, get into better habits, etc. But the problem is that it's only words. They don't MEAN anything, not really. It shows that I want to try, but wanting to try isn't trying. There's a huge difference. It took me a long time to realize that, and one awesome guy finally made me see the difference (Thank's Aaron =] ). Actually taking the step to try is a completely different world than sitting there saying "I want to". You have to put forth a consious effort daily to keep up with these new routines, and not let anything sway you. I want to be closer to God, but I keep letting myself fall out of the pattern of reading my Bible every day. Even when Kyle suggested that I read a Proverb a day... I still only kept that up for a few days. It's like, if I miss a day, then I'm all "What can one more day hurt?" and before I know it... the thought to do it doesn't even cross my mind anymore.
My life has been so blissfully fantastic lately, that sometimes I feel like I'm doing something wrong. But I know that that's not true. I've just been so unhappy for so long, that it feels weird to not be unhappy. Don't get me wrong - I MUCH prefer this happiness over the saddness, but it's still a major change in my life. I went through a period of being uncertain earlier this school year, but I realize now that I have to stop doubting myself and my abilities. If I think that I won't succeed, then I won't, that's just how it is. I have to believe that I'll succeed in whatever it is I tackle. And... there are multiple meanings to the word succeed. I'm not saying that if I believe I can find a cure for cancer that I will, but I need to believe that I will do everything I can if I try to, even if I DON'T find a cure, I'll still have succeeded, because I had faith and I did my best... if that makes any sense at all.
There have been recent... developments... between my mom and I. We argued the other night, which, if you know me at all, is rare. I never fight with my mom. She had told me that at 18, you couldn't get a decent hotel room. Let me back up here... my friends and I are planning on going on a road trip this summer, and we were discussing all the options we had... clearer? okie dokie then. Then I found out that you, in fact, CAN get a hotel room at 18 [at most places] and that she let my sister get a hotel room in Chicago with her boyfriend when she was 18. To say that I was angry was an understandment. I was absolutly furious. And I was a little hurt. I felt like she didn't trust me, even though that's not the case. We talked about it afterwards, and she explained that it's her fear of me being old enough to rent a hotel room that caused her to.. "mislead" me about the hotel thing. I know that she's thinking of my safety and protection though, and I know that she's doing it because she loves me. I think we'll hash out the whole hotel issue at a later date. Now, you're probably wondering what on earth this has to do with anything... and to be honest, I can't really remember... oh yeah! Talking about turning 18 put this... sense of responsibility on my shoulders. Graduation is very real to me now that 3rd Quarter is coming to a close, alongside February. In less than 100 days [including days off and weekends], I will no longer walk the halls of high school. I'll be eighteen and able to vote, and I even have the option of buying cigarettes if I wanted [which I don't, believe me]. It's like the world is at my doorstep saying "Ready or not, here I come" and I'm this six year old child, hiding behind the couch, afraid to get caught by it. But at the same time, I feel powerful and respected and ready to make a difference, in the lives of everyone around me as well as my own life. I'm going to screw up, and I know that, and... it doesn't scare me..
I got accepted into Illinois College last week, with an awesome scholorship. I hadn't even considered this college before they sent me a flyer in the mail. I had a plan, and then suddenly, I had options. Getting that acceptance letter gave me confidence that I will be successful. Confidence that I can do whatever I set my mind to. Confidence in myself in general. I'm having an epiphany or something. I have goosebumps, haha. Maybe this is all a result of my endorphines in the middle of the night...morning...time... thing, or whatever, but I don't know. I feel like I need to study hard. Then I felt ready for that big bad world out there. I feel like I can take on the world now. I feel... grown up. I'm not really that scared anymore. I'm ready, but not in an anxious kind of way, but in an "I'll take it as it comes" kind of way, if that makes any sense.
My entire high school experience has been... freaky weird, to be honest. I've gone through a lot of things that most kids never even KNOW anyone who goes through it, let along experiences it themselves. But something I do have in common with the rest of the teenage [I had the urge to say race there... because teenagers kind of are their own little race] population: I've been searching for who I am.
I've always know who I wanted to be, but... it's common to feel lost and confused, and unsure of which of your multiple personalities to be around which people [oh come on, you know you're like that too....]. Do you be shy? Outgoing? Godly? "Secular"? There's a CUUTE boy over there, do you act more flirty than you actually are? More premiscuous so he'll notice you? Everyone struggles with self image. But it isn't until this year that I've realized that... I have to stop trying so hard. I mean, I've never cared what other people think, not really, but theres always been that part of me that wonders if they're judging me. But I know now that, I don't care! It doesn't matter! I be who I am. Then the question usually pops up, "But, who am I?" and I've thought that... alot. But, if I have to think about who I am, then is that really who I am? Who I am, who I trully am, is the person I am without thinking about it. When I just act, say things, and don't feel fake. I don't feel like I'm lying to anyone. I might be wrong, but I don't feel like I am. And if I am, that's totally okay. But I will not let myself give the people who judge me the satisfaction of tormenting another human being. Of tearing someone else down. People say it's because they're insecure, and maybe that's so. But, I don't care what they're reasoning is. That's who they are choosing to be, and I can't judge them for it. I especially can't judge them for it without talking to them and getting to know them. I have no right to judge another human being for anything. It's like, I've known all of this, but it dawned on me today...er.. tonight, this morning? Whatever. I have pure confidence in myself. I'm ready to dive into what we call the real world, headfirst, with no regrets.
This is going to sound crazy, but I worked for 6 hours on Calculus homework, and when I was finished, I felt like I had accomplished something phenomenal. I mean, it's just homework, and true, it is CALC homework, and I didn't really completely understand everything that I was doing, but I felt a sense of accomplishment, and it was... well, awesome.
All of these recent experiences, ones I've described to you, and ones that I haven't, have really made me realize exactly how importanat motivation is in life. I guess I've caught Senioritis. But, my classes are too hard for me to be slacking off. And sure, I'm still making the grades, but I'm not learning the stuff. And, lets face it, I have to learn the stuff, because I have to take the AP tests in the spring, and because I'm going to need them as a basis for my college education. I don't want to take these bad study habits to college with me. I'm ready to start life as an adult, and I'm ready to take responsibility for my actions and decisions. And now I'm motivated to do everything in my power to prepare myself for what's to come as best as I can.
Embrace Chicago Highlight Video
12 years ago
