Wow... lol

Wow... I kind of, sort of forgot about this. Haha.

Summer was fantastic! Babysitting was extremely stressful, but totally worth it =] Softball... I have never loved playing a sport more =] even though we lost [almost?] every game, it doesn't matter, because it was SO much fun!! Camp was a blast, as always, but a little sad considering it was my last year as a student. I got a lot closer to my friend Cam, which was awesome!! The summer went by entirely too quickly for my liking, between working and getting ready for college, oh, and getting my permit! But summer always ends.

Well, I'm in COLLEGE! How crazy is that? I'm actually two days away from being done with my first semester. Pure insanity, in my opinion. I don't know what happened to the past four and a half months! Well, I am LOVING college, like, a LOT. I have made some totally awesome friends =] Kirwin, Jasmine, MaryKate, Jeff, Ian, Tim, Kiana, KV (Kayla), Bailey, Anna, Jesse, Antonio, Jenna, Krystal, Jackie, Earon, Nina, Ethan, Chevy, Brittany, Britters, Kiarra, and 50 FABULOUS girls that have captured my hearts, which would be the members of the Eta Sigma Chapter of Sigma Sigma Sigma - yes, I joined a sorority, and I love every second of it =]

My roommate and I are BEST friends - MaryKate Barkley =] We know practically everything about each other; when it comes to boys, food, drinks, favorite flowers, habits, length of showers, what foods we don't like but are convinced that we do (and every time we are wrong, of course), just about everything. We are extremely similar in our personalities (especially our cleanliness... or lack there of, haha).

I've experienced college finals, and I'm not gonna lie, I'm not a big fan, haha. I got a B in Chemistry, and an A in FYE (an english class - First Year Experience), and an A in Genomics.

OH, speaking of Genomics... it's my new love. I love it SO much, that I'm considering changing my major to research or to medicine, Pediatric Oncology to be more specific =] I'm trying to find a summer research internship for next summer at Washington University or the Donald Danforth Plant. Paid to do something I love? Bring it on =]

I've discovered my ultimate hatred of public speaking. You'd think I would be good at it, considering how much I like to write... and talk. But nope, put me behind a podium, make me stand up in front of people, and I'm a horrible mess. I was hoping to overcome this in 3 weeks... fail. But I've made improvements.

I am no longer in a relationship. Not sure if I mentioned on here that I ever was, but I was dating a boy (emphasis on the boy there), who I was convinced was the most amazing guy ever. Well, he wasn't. He was sleeping with another girl while we were dating. Yeah, ouch. Oh well, that was two months ago, and I heal more and more each day =]

I am loving college way more than I ever expected. I mean, yeah, I thought I would enjoy it. But... at Culver-Stockton, I have never been happier. Never. I feel like I am on top of the world. There are days that aren't so good, sure, but for the most part, there isn't a part of the day that I'm not smiling or laughing. Time is just sailing past, and that makes me sad, because I don't ever want this to end. It's not even like I'm getting caught up in the party scene or anything like that. Sure, I've gone to a party or two, but its mostly just spending time with my friends, getting into snowball fights, drives to Quincy or Dollar General, or County Market, chilling at the DU (a fraternity) house, or spending time with my sorority sisters. I spend a lot of time at my friend Jeff's house because I love his family =] They are my home away from home, really.

This semester has been beyond amazing. There has been SO much change that I wasn't sure if I could handle so much all at once, but I did, because GOD is amazing =] Now that it's the end of the semester, I'm sitting back and taking a deep breath, because the initial rush is over. Now I have to tackle a crazy class load next semester: Gen Chem II, Literary Theory, Zoology I, Genomics, and then lab for Chem and Zoology. Classes 9-3:45 Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Friday, and then 9:15-11:15 on Thursdays.

I spent Thanksgiving at my grandma's, and that was a ton of fun. I spent most of the few days I was there with her, showing her pictures, and helping her in the kitchen or with sudoku or crossword puzzles. We went shopping because silly me left my tennis shoes at the hotel, so all I had was flip-flops haha

OH, I also got braces, that's new...ish. I got them in August. Things seem to be going well. Well, for my teeth. As for my braces and I... it's a hate-hate relationship.

Umm lets see. I've dyed my hair - its a super dark brown, almost black at times. And I got it cut... again. I have side-sweeping bangs, and it comes to about my chin... not even. I love it... a lot.

Erm, well I can't believe that Christmas is in just over a week - thats wild! I can't wait for this break, starting on Thursday and going until Jan 10th =] I'll be getting my license just after Christmas, and I THINK I'm getting a car this weekend. So that's pretty exciting.

I can't think of anything else, haha, so I'm going to end this crazy long post! Love you all!! =]

Graduation.. wow!

Wow, I'm a high school graduate! That's totally insane! I haven't really grasped the concept yet. I suppose it won't really hit me until I go away to college... I feel like I'm just going back to Hazelwood West in the fall. Graduation went smoothly, and I went out to lunch with my mom, stepdad, dad, stepmom, and my sister. That went WAY better than expected, and I'm glad.
That essay scholarship that I applied for, I didn't get it. Bummer, but I'm actually not as disappointed as I thought I'd be. I've been prepping myself for days in case I didn't get it, and I'm glad! I get to babysit an extra week (which is an extra $100!!), and I can go to my Freshman Orientation. Oh! The AP tests went well, at least, I hope they did... I find out the results in the middle of July.

Through everything, all the end-of-the-year/end-of-high-school/starting-college stuff, I kind of lost focus on God and everything that He means to me. As the stresses started to ebb away, I realized how much He was there for me through it all, and how blessed I am for everything in my life. There's a lot of change right now, and I wasn't sure at first if I was going to be okay through all of it - but I know now that I am prepared to handle anything, because God is on my side. I got my hair cut, and I'm getting braces - which I'm a little nervous about, because I don't really want to go into COLLEGE with braces for the first time, but I'm slowly getting over that, because, well, I have to, haha - and moving out... it's going to be an interesting, and a pretty difficult summer. I'm stepping way out of a comfort zone in moving two and a half hours away... away from my church, my friends, and most importantly, my family. However, I know that I'll be okay. I've developed a sense of independence, and I've learned to appreciate things in my life, and I've learned how to work for what I want. Going away is 110% the right option for me, because I feel like it'll help me grow up a little bit and get a grasp on the real world. I know that college still isn't the "real world" but it's closer than high school, and it'll be closer to the real world when I'm two and a half hours away, versus living at home and going to school. I think I need to experience that.

I have a summer job! I'm babysitting my niece and nephews that came up from Georgia for the next six weeks. $100 a week :) Today was day two, and where it can get a bit tiring, it's still extremely fufilling, and I'm glad to spend some quality time with them.

OH! And I've joined my friends' church's softball team! We had our second game ( but my first game ) on Monday, and we got CREAMED. But, hey, it was fun and that's all that matters!! Haha.

I'm having my graduation party on Sunday, and I can't wait! I'm so excited! Things are really busy here at the house trying to squeeze in as many projects we can before the party, and getting things done for the party.

Church camp on monday! It's going to be a blast! It's my last camp for three years, when I'm 21, and can come back to be a counselor. I didn't get to go to camp last year, and as a result, I'm even MORE pumped!! I get to see my friends Cameron and Anderson whom I haven't seen in over a year!! OMG I cant wait, lol.

Alas, I need to go to bed, it's not really that late, but I have to go to my sister's house at 9 AM tomorrow, sooo yeah. Goodnight and God Bless everyone!!

WOW!

Prom was AMAZING!!!! Pictures:

A night to remember, indeed!! So, I chose to write this scholarship essay, and it is going over fantastically! I've gotten my final edit, and I'm currently working on my final copy - due this Thursday! Oh boy! AP tests on May 7 and May 12! Senior Skip Day on May 4, Senior Activity Day on May 8, last day of school on May 22, then graduation and PG on May 30! 16 days left! Everything is winding down, and I'm excited about this new chapter in my life!!

I'm College-Bound! ... Kind of!

WOW! It's been a while since I've posted on here! Oops!! Lol. SOOO I've decided to go to.... *drum roll*

CULVER-STOCKTON COLLEGE!!!!!!!!!!

woo-hoo!!!

it was a really tough decision, I have to admit! I prayed about it, and I feel like God wants me to go to Culver, instead of Olivet, because I need to go into the real world and witness His word to people. I'll have more of an opportunity to do so at Culver than at Olivet =]

Princess for a Day

Prom... what an exciting event. I just bought my prom dress, and I started looking at how I want to do my hair, and I have to admit, I'm really excited! I went to this cute little dress shop called Sydney's Closet thats designed for plus sized girls, and it was so much fun! I tried on like six or seven dresses, but I ended up buying the first one I tried on.

It's hard to tell, but its a pretty poofy dress. I got the pink one =] Oh, and it's not for sure yet, but I think I'm going to do my hair like this

I'm really excited for my first "Princess for a Day" moment. The second will be my wedding =] and that will obviously be even more Princess-y. And, my friend's dad is going to pay for a limo! How cool is that? She invited me and a small group of friends to ride with her. It's shaping out to be the perfect prom =] April 18th seems so far away, but not so far at the same time. Because once prom comes, there's only a month left of school! So crazy, but I'm excited.

The college search is coming out very well, except I'm starting to hit deadlines... but I think that Olivet might be the college for me! It's small, but not too small, and it's Nazarene. It has veterinary and journalism as well as pastoral ministry if I should want to become a pastor. Life is going good, still, and that makes me so happy. School is relatively easy... the only problem is that we missed the AP test deadline... because I was at the Optomitrist... and then the day I got back, I realized that I had missed it, so hopefully that'll still work out for me when I talk to a principle on Monday. But, if not, that's okay. I'll have my Calculus credit, so at least that's something!

Graduation is coming up fast.. we get cap and gowns soon. We got graduation announcements last week. We've had to fill out the senior survey for the yearbook. Everyone is passing around senior pictures. Prom's just around the corner. There's talk of graduation tickets, and how we only get four. Who we'll invite to graduation, what we'll wear, everything really. It's fourth quarter now, the home stretch.

Motivation...

So, here I am, completely unable to sleep due to, I'm assuming, some new medication that I'm taking for my sinus headaches [it contains caffine, apparently]. I read this book that made me realize how important motivation is. The book isn't like a fantastic novel or anything, in fact, I found a few grammatical errors while reading it! But the moral is the same, whether its a pre-teen book or a classic. But, for so long I've been saying "I want to do..." and then the list goes on. Lose weight, stop procrastinating, get into better habits, etc. But the problem is that it's only words. They don't MEAN anything, not really. It shows that I want to try, but wanting to try isn't trying. There's a huge difference. It took me a long time to realize that, and one awesome guy finally made me see the difference (Thank's Aaron =] ). Actually taking the step to try is a completely different world than sitting there saying "I want to". You have to put forth a consious effort daily to keep up with these new routines, and not let anything sway you. I want to be closer to God, but I keep letting myself fall out of the pattern of reading my Bible every day. Even when Kyle suggested that I read a Proverb a day... I still only kept that up for a few days. It's like, if I miss a day, then I'm all "What can one more day hurt?" and before I know it... the thought to do it doesn't even cross my mind anymore.

My life has been so blissfully fantastic lately, that sometimes I feel like I'm doing something wrong. But I know that that's not true. I've just been so unhappy for so long, that it feels weird to not be unhappy. Don't get me wrong - I MUCH prefer this happiness over the saddness, but it's still a major change in my life. I went through a period of being uncertain earlier this school year, but I realize now that I have to stop doubting myself and my abilities. If I think that I won't succeed, then I won't, that's just how it is. I have to believe that I'll succeed in whatever it is I tackle. And... there are multiple meanings to the word succeed. I'm not saying that if I believe I can find a cure for cancer that I will, but I need to believe that I will do everything I can if I try to, even if I DON'T find a cure, I'll still have succeeded, because I had faith and I did my best... if that makes any sense at all.

There have been recent... developments... between my mom and I. We argued the other night, which, if you know me at all, is rare. I never fight with my mom. She had told me that at 18, you couldn't get a decent hotel room. Let me back up here... my friends and I are planning on going on a road trip this summer, and we were discussing all the options we had... clearer? okie dokie then. Then I found out that you, in fact, CAN get a hotel room at 18 [at most places] and that she let my sister get a hotel room in Chicago with her boyfriend when she was 18. To say that I was angry was an understandment. I was absolutly furious. And I was a little hurt. I felt like she didn't trust me, even though that's not the case. We talked about it afterwards, and she explained that it's her fear of me being old enough to rent a hotel room that caused her to.. "mislead" me about the hotel thing. I know that she's thinking of my safety and protection though, and I know that she's doing it because she loves me. I think we'll hash out the whole hotel issue at a later date. Now, you're probably wondering what on earth this has to do with anything... and to be honest, I can't really remember... oh yeah! Talking about turning 18 put this... sense of responsibility on my shoulders. Graduation is very real to me now that 3rd Quarter is coming to a close, alongside February. In less than 100 days [including days off and weekends], I will no longer walk the halls of high school. I'll be eighteen and able to vote, and I even have the option of buying cigarettes if I wanted [which I don't, believe me]. It's like the world is at my doorstep saying "Ready or not, here I come" and I'm this six year old child, hiding behind the couch, afraid to get caught by it. But at the same time, I feel powerful and respected and ready to make a difference, in the lives of everyone around me as well as my own life. I'm going to screw up, and I know that, and... it doesn't scare me..

I got accepted into Illinois College last week, with an awesome scholorship. I hadn't even considered this college before they sent me a flyer in the mail. I had a plan, and then suddenly, I had options. Getting that acceptance letter gave me confidence that I will be successful. Confidence that I can do whatever I set my mind to. Confidence in myself in general. I'm having an epiphany or something. I have goosebumps, haha. Maybe this is all a result of my endorphines in the middle of the night...morning...time... thing, or whatever, but I don't know. I feel like I need to study hard. Then I felt ready for that big bad world out there. I feel like I can take on the world now. I feel... grown up. I'm not really that scared anymore. I'm ready, but not in an anxious kind of way, but in an "I'll take it as it comes" kind of way, if that makes any sense.
My entire high school experience has been... freaky weird, to be honest. I've gone through a lot of things that most kids never even KNOW anyone who goes through it, let along experiences it themselves. But something I do have in common with the rest of the teenage [I had the urge to say race there... because teenagers kind of are their own little race] population: I've been searching for who I am.

I've always know who I wanted to be, but... it's common to feel lost and confused, and unsure of which of your multiple personalities to be around which people [oh come on, you know you're like that too....]. Do you be shy? Outgoing? Godly? "Secular"? There's a CUUTE boy over there, do you act more flirty than you actually are? More premiscuous so he'll notice you? Everyone struggles with self image. But it isn't until this year that I've realized that... I have to stop trying so hard. I mean, I've never cared what other people think, not really, but theres always been that part of me that wonders if they're judging me. But I know now that, I don't care! It doesn't matter! I be who I am. Then the question usually pops up, "But, who am I?" and I've thought that... alot. But, if I have to think about who I am, then is that really who I am? Who I am, who I trully am, is the person I am without thinking about it. When I just act, say things, and don't feel fake. I don't feel like I'm lying to anyone. I might be wrong, but I don't feel like I am. And if I am, that's totally okay. But I will not let myself give the people who judge me the satisfaction of tormenting another human being. Of tearing someone else down. People say it's because they're insecure, and maybe that's so. But, I don't care what they're reasoning is. That's who they are choosing to be, and I can't judge them for it. I especially can't judge them for it without talking to them and getting to know them. I have no right to judge another human being for anything. It's like, I've known all of this, but it dawned on me today...er.. tonight, this morning? Whatever. I have pure confidence in myself. I'm ready to dive into what we call the real world, headfirst, with no regrets.

This is going to sound crazy, but I worked for 6 hours on Calculus homework, and when I was finished, I felt like I had accomplished something phenomenal. I mean, it's just homework, and true, it is CALC homework, and I didn't really completely understand everything that I was doing, but I felt a sense of accomplishment, and it was... well, awesome.

All of these recent experiences, ones I've described to you, and ones that I haven't, have really made me realize exactly how importanat motivation is in life. I guess I've caught Senioritis. But, my classes are too hard for me to be slacking off. And sure, I'm still making the grades, but I'm not learning the stuff. And, lets face it, I have to learn the stuff, because I have to take the AP tests in the spring, and because I'm going to need them as a basis for my college education. I don't want to take these bad study habits to college with me. I'm ready to start life as an adult, and I'm ready to take responsibility for my actions and decisions. And now I'm motivated to do everything in my power to prepare myself for what's to come as best as I can.

Movie...

So last night, me and a couple girlfriends ( Leah and Stephanie ) went to Cold Stone Cremery (yummy!!) and then we went to see Coraline. Which is in 3-D, which I had no idea. We were super excited to see it... and then it was... well, boring. All three of us almost fell asleep, and I'm pretty sure Stephanie DID fall asleep at one point in time. And then it got kinda creepy... like, I wasn't scared, but if I was six, I would be terrified! It had it's..good..parts, but mostly, it was just...wow. After it was finished, we all just stared at the screen, then looked at each other and said, "wow." But, ironically, we were walking out of the movie theater and there was a button on the ground! A black button with four holes - which, if you've watched this movie, you would know was like the central thing of the movie. If you've seen it, what did you think?

Today, though, I'm going to the park for a "photo shoot" with Steph (different Stephanie, the "real" stephanie, as my 6 year old nephew puts it) and Leah, and then to the mall. I'm sure we'll try on some dresses at Deb, we'll hit up Old Navy, maybe even a movie, we'll see how it goes. I just wanted to tell you guys to have a FANTASTIC day, weekend, week, whatever =] I love you all!!

Despite everything...

Life is good, really good. Last entry I talked about my bad feeling. Well, long story short, I called off the date, because Paul was a MAJOR jerkface only interested in sex. After a lot of anger, crying, and finally peace, I messaged him and told him that the date was off, that I forgive him for hurting me and going off on my best friend, and that I was sorry for being so angry. He got a little clingy, but at the same time acting like he had no idea what I was talking about. He got a little stalkerish, so I threatened to report him to facebook if he didn't stop messaging me and friend requesting me. Shady. But, you know what? I'm perfectly okay. I'm not super bummed or angry or anything, I'm just praising God because even though this was a little tough for me, I really learned not to doubt myself and my beliefs. I have more confidence in myself than ever before, and that's saying alot, considering my past with my self confidence issues. I love God, as I've posted before, and I've been striving to get to know Him better. School isn't as hard this semester as it was last semester, yet, and I'm trying alot harder this semester (which might be why its easier... hm... interesting lol).
But I am considering a different college plan than I initially came up with - maybe after Flo I will go to Illinois College, in Jacksonville, IL. It's a small college... like smaller than my high school! I've always wanted to go to a small college, and this looks like my chance. The administrations office even EMAILED me personally, and addressed me by name, and it was all casual and well...adult like, haha. Her name is Sarah, she didn't even sign her last name, like we're best friends or something. It was nice to see that. I'm super excited, and I can't wait to see if I get accepted!
I just LOVE life!

I hate bad feelings...

This is going to sound crazy, but the other night, I had a feeling that something bad was going to happen. It was really sudden and it scared me. I hate having those feelings. That was the night before last, and nothing had happened. Tonight, I talked to Paul - and he turned out to be... different than I thought. He was basically pressuring me to kiss him on the first date, and saying things like "I was hoping for at least a kiss" and I was like "at least??" he knows that I'm new at this dating thing. He knew that from the beginning. Yet, it didn't start bothering him until tonight? I'm so confused, and he's saying things like "this might not work out" and stuff, and it hurts. He was completely not himself tonight, and some friends of mine think that his friends might be doing this, and not him. But how come I feel like that's not the case? I mean, I guess it's a logical conclusion to come to - that he completely changed, and turned into a jerk out of nowhere... but there was still something... that was the same about him. some of his phrases were the same. but yet there were things that were totally strange. Like he would be "wow, your like super new at this aren't you?" and my jaw would drop. i had TOLD him all of these things before, and he was acting like he had no idea. and last night, he was supposed to go to a party or something, and when I asked him if he had fun last night, he said that he just hung around the dorm and watched anastasia at like 1 AM. I don't know, its just... weird. The whole situation is confusing. I want this to work out, but not if he's a jerk. It... hurts and it's... I don't even know. It feels like... when something good comes along, it's taken from me. Like I'm not allowed to be blissfully happy for more than a couple of days. And I know I sound like a drama queen - this isn't really a big problem considering all the things I've been through. But I was happy because a boy liked me for me. He thought I was cute, and funny, and all this stuff. Or at least, I thought he liked me for me. I'm hoping and praying with everything inside of me that this wasn't him, that this was his friends, and that everything will be okay.... but I have a feeling that won't happen... oh well, life goes on. Goodnight everyone.

Date? Snow Days? Drawing? OH MY!

SOOO one of my really good friends, Katie, set me up with one of her ex boyfriends. She said that he was "too religious" for her, and so she thought he'd be a good match for me. I been talking to him for the past couple of days on Facebook, and he asked me out for Presidents Day weekend. Now, me being the person I am, I accepted, and THEN realized [[after the help of my darling best friend, Leah]] that Presidents Day weekend is ALSO Valentines weekend. Hm... coincidence? Sure wasn't! I was talking to him the other night, and he said that he's going to be taking me out ON valentines day [insert awwwe here]. I'm SO excited. I've never been on a date before.
But just to make things clear --- the first time I'm going to meet him, I will not be alone. No worries there. Katie is coming as a chaperone, so I can make sure he's not secretly a murderer or rapist or something. Then, we are going to go out just the two of us... idk what we're doing or where we're going, but oh well! I know we're going to hit a movie - but I think Katie will be with us.... but I'm not sure....... hmmm lol.
WELLLLLLLLLLL nothing else really exciting has happened besides that. I enjoyed my two snow days very much, and I was sad to go back, except that today is one of my BFFs... actually two of my BFFs 18th birthday -- so I was glad that I got to see one of them =]]
OH! I've discovered that I have a talent for drawing - who knew??? I'll see if I can get some pics up of some of my drawings =]
I'm gonna go, but I'll post some other time! Love you all!!

Happiness...

Wow! It's been a while since I've been this blissfully happy. I have no idea why I'm so happy, I mean considering the whole thing with my youth pastor and his wife and everything, but... I still find myself loving God more than I ever thought possible. I mean, I don't understand why He would take the Rainbolt's baby only 11 weeks after conception, and it seems totally unfair. But I KNOW that God has a plan in all of this, even though it's not visible to me yet, and probably not Heather and Kyle either, but it's there!
So, I was listening to my music, and this song called Magnificent Obsession started playing... I first heard this song at youth group when Kyle decided it was time for a new song....

Lord, You know how much
I want to know so much
In the way of answers and explanations
I have cried and prayed
And still I seem to stay
In the middle of life's complications
All this pursuing leaves me feeling like I'm chasing down the wind
But now it's brought me back to You
And I can see again

This is everything I want
This is everything I need
I want this to be my one consuming passion
Everything my heart desires
Lord, I want it all to be for You, Jesus
Be my magnificent obsession

So capture my heart again
Take me to depths I've never been
Into the riches of Your grace and Your mercy
Return me to the cross
And let me be completely lost
In the wonder of the love
That You've shown me
Cut through these chains that tie me down to so many lesser things
Let all my dreams fall to the ground
Until this one remains

You are everything I want
And You are everything I need Lord,
You are all my heart desires
You are everything to me

You are everything I want
You are everything I need
I want You to be my one consuming passion
Everything my heart desires Lord,
I want it all to be for You
I want it all to be for You


I mean wow! right? It's so... amazing! I don't know why, but it's just such a powerful and meaningful song!! And then after that, I listened to He Will Carry Me - which I usually cry to - and I rejoiced that God IS there to carry you through the burdens that life puts on you. I was so... happy, so grateful for everything I have and all the blessings in my life! Thank You, God!

God bless you ALL!!!




Love always,
Michelle

last night...

I've come to realize alot of things.

I was talking to Kyle about life and whatnot, and I realized how short of a temper I have, especially when I'm upset. I got really angry at him for something that he said ( i dont even remember what it was now, thats how pointless it was), when he was just being completely honest. Everything he said was true, and I needed to hear that, even though I didn't want to. He was right that if I keep looking for this pessimistic view, I will find it. If I keep looking for people to upset me, they will, but more because of how I take it rather than what they actually said.

Last night, as we started worship, I just figured it was going to be the usual... but it didn't turn out that way. The song started, and I don't usually stand anymore, I'm not entirely sure why. But last night, I felt like I SHOULD stand, like I had to stand. Not because I thought people were pressuring me or anything, but because I felt like I had to, for me, for God. So, I did. I praised God with more meaning and emotion than I have in a long time. I let my worries slip away for a while, as I just praised God for all the good thing's He's done. I cried as I worshipped, I cried because I felt Him just wrapping His arms around me and telling me that it's okay to hurt, it's okay to feel pain because they're gone, it's okay. And it was... wow. Word's cannot even begin to express how amazing it was for me last night. I meant every word that I sang, and I haven't done that in quite a while. I never wanted to stop praising God. Everything was different all of a sudden, and different in a good way. I realized that in order to move on, I have to think about my grandparents, talk about them, remember them, and to slowly move past this agonizing pain I feel when I think about them. It's going to be hard, and painful, but I've got my amazing friend Kelsey, and I've got God to help me through, along with all my other friends! Kyle is going to help me with whatever underlying conditions may have caused me to push it all back, and to help me with my walk with God, and my relationship with Him. Things are good again between me and Leah, and I'm so happy. For the first time in MONTHS, I am happy. I am overwhelmed with the happiness I feel. There isn't the underlying pain, there isn't the "I'm happy but..." because I shouldn't bring myself down. Because no matter WHAT it is thats stressing me out or upsetting me, it's going to be okay! It's going to be great! Because of God!!

2009?

When did 09 manage to sneak up on us?? It's pretty crazy - I haven't updated in quite a while, so it's even more unreal that it's ALREADY 2009. That's a big number, a big year - my graduation year. I've been counting down to this time for years, and it's finally, yet suddenly at the same time, here.

I can already tell that 09 is a year for some serious change, based on the experiences that have already happened for me personally. School isn't as stressful, and doesn't look like its going to be that stressful - until finals and the AP tests that is. I'm getting a job - hopefully soon - and considering taking classes in the summer for college, to put me a semester ahead...

I haven't done a very good job at dealing with my grandparents' death, and I'm working on that now. It still hurts to think of them, and I still want to cry, but I'm slowly getting stronger, and I'm very, very slowly starting to deal with it. Christmas wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be - so that's good. My sister's fiance's kids came into town, so we had a housefull (4 kids total, ages 5, 6, 7, and 8... 3 boys and 1 girl) to keep us distracted from the pain, so I suppose thats a good thing.

I have no idea what 2009 will bring me, and I can only pray that it isn't half as bad as 2008 was. Hopefully all the change that will happen is good change - for example, my sister is getting married in September, and my good friend is getting married in May. I desperatly want to lose some weight, so my mom and I are going to join weight watchers real soon, so that's something that I'm looking forward to.

I don't really know what else to say in this blog, I'm beat, and I've got some things I have to do before kicking back with my book and reading before bed - so I'll hopefully update soon!

Love always,

Michelle