I hate bad feelings...

This is going to sound crazy, but the other night, I had a feeling that something bad was going to happen. It was really sudden and it scared me. I hate having those feelings. That was the night before last, and nothing had happened. Tonight, I talked to Paul - and he turned out to be... different than I thought. He was basically pressuring me to kiss him on the first date, and saying things like "I was hoping for at least a kiss" and I was like "at least??" he knows that I'm new at this dating thing. He knew that from the beginning. Yet, it didn't start bothering him until tonight? I'm so confused, and he's saying things like "this might not work out" and stuff, and it hurts. He was completely not himself tonight, and some friends of mine think that his friends might be doing this, and not him. But how come I feel like that's not the case? I mean, I guess it's a logical conclusion to come to - that he completely changed, and turned into a jerk out of nowhere... but there was still something... that was the same about him. some of his phrases were the same. but yet there were things that were totally strange. Like he would be "wow, your like super new at this aren't you?" and my jaw would drop. i had TOLD him all of these things before, and he was acting like he had no idea. and last night, he was supposed to go to a party or something, and when I asked him if he had fun last night, he said that he just hung around the dorm and watched anastasia at like 1 AM. I don't know, its just... weird. The whole situation is confusing. I want this to work out, but not if he's a jerk. It... hurts and it's... I don't even know. It feels like... when something good comes along, it's taken from me. Like I'm not allowed to be blissfully happy for more than a couple of days. And I know I sound like a drama queen - this isn't really a big problem considering all the things I've been through. But I was happy because a boy liked me for me. He thought I was cute, and funny, and all this stuff. Or at least, I thought he liked me for me. I'm hoping and praying with everything inside of me that this wasn't him, that this was his friends, and that everything will be okay.... but I have a feeling that won't happen... oh well, life goes on. Goodnight everyone.

Date? Snow Days? Drawing? OH MY!

SOOO one of my really good friends, Katie, set me up with one of her ex boyfriends. She said that he was "too religious" for her, and so she thought he'd be a good match for me. I been talking to him for the past couple of days on Facebook, and he asked me out for Presidents Day weekend. Now, me being the person I am, I accepted, and THEN realized [[after the help of my darling best friend, Leah]] that Presidents Day weekend is ALSO Valentines weekend. Hm... coincidence? Sure wasn't! I was talking to him the other night, and he said that he's going to be taking me out ON valentines day [insert awwwe here]. I'm SO excited. I've never been on a date before.
But just to make things clear --- the first time I'm going to meet him, I will not be alone. No worries there. Katie is coming as a chaperone, so I can make sure he's not secretly a murderer or rapist or something. Then, we are going to go out just the two of us... idk what we're doing or where we're going, but oh well! I know we're going to hit a movie - but I think Katie will be with us.... but I'm not sure....... hmmm lol.
WELLLLLLLLLLL nothing else really exciting has happened besides that. I enjoyed my two snow days very much, and I was sad to go back, except that today is one of my BFFs... actually two of my BFFs 18th birthday -- so I was glad that I got to see one of them =]]
OH! I've discovered that I have a talent for drawing - who knew??? I'll see if I can get some pics up of some of my drawings =]
I'm gonna go, but I'll post some other time! Love you all!!

Happiness...

Wow! It's been a while since I've been this blissfully happy. I have no idea why I'm so happy, I mean considering the whole thing with my youth pastor and his wife and everything, but... I still find myself loving God more than I ever thought possible. I mean, I don't understand why He would take the Rainbolt's baby only 11 weeks after conception, and it seems totally unfair. But I KNOW that God has a plan in all of this, even though it's not visible to me yet, and probably not Heather and Kyle either, but it's there!
So, I was listening to my music, and this song called Magnificent Obsession started playing... I first heard this song at youth group when Kyle decided it was time for a new song....

Lord, You know how much
I want to know so much
In the way of answers and explanations
I have cried and prayed
And still I seem to stay
In the middle of life's complications
All this pursuing leaves me feeling like I'm chasing down the wind
But now it's brought me back to You
And I can see again

This is everything I want
This is everything I need
I want this to be my one consuming passion
Everything my heart desires
Lord, I want it all to be for You, Jesus
Be my magnificent obsession

So capture my heart again
Take me to depths I've never been
Into the riches of Your grace and Your mercy
Return me to the cross
And let me be completely lost
In the wonder of the love
That You've shown me
Cut through these chains that tie me down to so many lesser things
Let all my dreams fall to the ground
Until this one remains

You are everything I want
And You are everything I need Lord,
You are all my heart desires
You are everything to me

You are everything I want
You are everything I need
I want You to be my one consuming passion
Everything my heart desires Lord,
I want it all to be for You
I want it all to be for You


I mean wow! right? It's so... amazing! I don't know why, but it's just such a powerful and meaningful song!! And then after that, I listened to He Will Carry Me - which I usually cry to - and I rejoiced that God IS there to carry you through the burdens that life puts on you. I was so... happy, so grateful for everything I have and all the blessings in my life! Thank You, God!

God bless you ALL!!!




Love always,
Michelle

last night...

I've come to realize alot of things.

I was talking to Kyle about life and whatnot, and I realized how short of a temper I have, especially when I'm upset. I got really angry at him for something that he said ( i dont even remember what it was now, thats how pointless it was), when he was just being completely honest. Everything he said was true, and I needed to hear that, even though I didn't want to. He was right that if I keep looking for this pessimistic view, I will find it. If I keep looking for people to upset me, they will, but more because of how I take it rather than what they actually said.

Last night, as we started worship, I just figured it was going to be the usual... but it didn't turn out that way. The song started, and I don't usually stand anymore, I'm not entirely sure why. But last night, I felt like I SHOULD stand, like I had to stand. Not because I thought people were pressuring me or anything, but because I felt like I had to, for me, for God. So, I did. I praised God with more meaning and emotion than I have in a long time. I let my worries slip away for a while, as I just praised God for all the good thing's He's done. I cried as I worshipped, I cried because I felt Him just wrapping His arms around me and telling me that it's okay to hurt, it's okay to feel pain because they're gone, it's okay. And it was... wow. Word's cannot even begin to express how amazing it was for me last night. I meant every word that I sang, and I haven't done that in quite a while. I never wanted to stop praising God. Everything was different all of a sudden, and different in a good way. I realized that in order to move on, I have to think about my grandparents, talk about them, remember them, and to slowly move past this agonizing pain I feel when I think about them. It's going to be hard, and painful, but I've got my amazing friend Kelsey, and I've got God to help me through, along with all my other friends! Kyle is going to help me with whatever underlying conditions may have caused me to push it all back, and to help me with my walk with God, and my relationship with Him. Things are good again between me and Leah, and I'm so happy. For the first time in MONTHS, I am happy. I am overwhelmed with the happiness I feel. There isn't the underlying pain, there isn't the "I'm happy but..." because I shouldn't bring myself down. Because no matter WHAT it is thats stressing me out or upsetting me, it's going to be okay! It's going to be great! Because of God!!

2009?

When did 09 manage to sneak up on us?? It's pretty crazy - I haven't updated in quite a while, so it's even more unreal that it's ALREADY 2009. That's a big number, a big year - my graduation year. I've been counting down to this time for years, and it's finally, yet suddenly at the same time, here.

I can already tell that 09 is a year for some serious change, based on the experiences that have already happened for me personally. School isn't as stressful, and doesn't look like its going to be that stressful - until finals and the AP tests that is. I'm getting a job - hopefully soon - and considering taking classes in the summer for college, to put me a semester ahead...

I haven't done a very good job at dealing with my grandparents' death, and I'm working on that now. It still hurts to think of them, and I still want to cry, but I'm slowly getting stronger, and I'm very, very slowly starting to deal with it. Christmas wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be - so that's good. My sister's fiance's kids came into town, so we had a housefull (4 kids total, ages 5, 6, 7, and 8... 3 boys and 1 girl) to keep us distracted from the pain, so I suppose thats a good thing.

I have no idea what 2009 will bring me, and I can only pray that it isn't half as bad as 2008 was. Hopefully all the change that will happen is good change - for example, my sister is getting married in September, and my good friend is getting married in May. I desperatly want to lose some weight, so my mom and I are going to join weight watchers real soon, so that's something that I'm looking forward to.

I don't really know what else to say in this blog, I'm beat, and I've got some things I have to do before kicking back with my book and reading before bed - so I'll hopefully update soon!

Love always,

Michelle