last night...

I've come to realize alot of things.

I was talking to Kyle about life and whatnot, and I realized how short of a temper I have, especially when I'm upset. I got really angry at him for something that he said ( i dont even remember what it was now, thats how pointless it was), when he was just being completely honest. Everything he said was true, and I needed to hear that, even though I didn't want to. He was right that if I keep looking for this pessimistic view, I will find it. If I keep looking for people to upset me, they will, but more because of how I take it rather than what they actually said.

Last night, as we started worship, I just figured it was going to be the usual... but it didn't turn out that way. The song started, and I don't usually stand anymore, I'm not entirely sure why. But last night, I felt like I SHOULD stand, like I had to stand. Not because I thought people were pressuring me or anything, but because I felt like I had to, for me, for God. So, I did. I praised God with more meaning and emotion than I have in a long time. I let my worries slip away for a while, as I just praised God for all the good thing's He's done. I cried as I worshipped, I cried because I felt Him just wrapping His arms around me and telling me that it's okay to hurt, it's okay to feel pain because they're gone, it's okay. And it was... wow. Word's cannot even begin to express how amazing it was for me last night. I meant every word that I sang, and I haven't done that in quite a while. I never wanted to stop praising God. Everything was different all of a sudden, and different in a good way. I realized that in order to move on, I have to think about my grandparents, talk about them, remember them, and to slowly move past this agonizing pain I feel when I think about them. It's going to be hard, and painful, but I've got my amazing friend Kelsey, and I've got God to help me through, along with all my other friends! Kyle is going to help me with whatever underlying conditions may have caused me to push it all back, and to help me with my walk with God, and my relationship with Him. Things are good again between me and Leah, and I'm so happy. For the first time in MONTHS, I am happy. I am overwhelmed with the happiness I feel. There isn't the underlying pain, there isn't the "I'm happy but..." because I shouldn't bring myself down. Because no matter WHAT it is thats stressing me out or upsetting me, it's going to be okay! It's going to be great! Because of God!!